Shattered
by Clear Black Glass
Summary: It seem like so long ago that it happened, yet it happens again everyday. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer**: If I did own anything I would sue myself, simply because I could.

Shattered

Severus Snape was not an affectionate man. He was not kind or caring or any of that other trivial nonsense. He was cold, calculating, and precise. To him love and compassion were a distant fairy tale, a wonderful dream that he had awoken from long ago, an illusion shattered by the test of time. The ideal of love was like a crystal sphere held close to the heart; one moment could shatter the precious glass and leave scars more than skin deep. One single moment was all it took to crush the fantasy of love, and Severus Snape had had this moment many years ago.

Yes, Severus had loved, only once. That love was what drove him down the path he chose, and the death of that love is what led him to the life he now leads. It was a beautiful love in its youth, but time took its toll and the beauty left that bond. In the end a ghost of their happiness was all that remained, and when that last breath of joy escaped from its hollowed existence, the sphere had shattered. Now, more than a decade later, the pieces are still there, scattered around his fragmented heart, a shadow of what it was.

In place of that devotion is a hole. It is painful to be reminded, to remember. Yet, at the same time, he knows he never wants to forget. So many things remind him of the one he would, and did, give his life for. That silky blonde hair, those painfully blue eyes, and those sinfully delightful lips. He could recall every detail of the man, and it was blissful torture.

The nights of desire and passion, the pressure of that muscled body pressing down on his own, the sweat that dripped and mixed, the tongues that fought for control, the deep, all-consuming moans, the heavy breathing, the heavenly hands that ghosted over his body, all of it. Severus was kept tossing and turning many night because of these visions, these dreams. But when he woke up, panting and covered in sweat, that's all it was and all it would ever be. A dream.

He would never again see the spark in those endless depths of cerulean, or hear the smooth huskiness of that velvety voice. Those things had been ripped away and replaced with cheap imitations of what they once were. None of the happiness that they shared together would return. Only the dreams gave him a few moments of desperately needed reprieve from reality, and even then they only widened the hole in his heart when he regained consciousness.

Looking around he could see so many things that brought it all back. The empty class rooms where they would meet during the day, the tree where they would watch the sun set, the ring around his neck that had started it all, the mark on his arm that had finished it, and the son that looked so much like his father. Just seeing the boy caused an ache in Severus' chest. He was a beautiful young man, like his father in so many ways. Whenever Severus saw him he was reminded of what he had had, what he had lost.

Yes, Draco Malfoy was as close to Lucius in appearance as a son could get. There was very little in him that was distinctly his mother's, as attractive as she was. The blonde teen radiated power, life, youth, and dominance. Everything Lucius had been. Draco exuded confidence and intelligence, maturity and willfulness, vivaciousness and availability. He personified nearly every characteristic Severus had come to appreciate all that time ago in the young man's father.

When Severus was with Draco he could feel those old feelings of the dream return. The want, the need, the desire. But he could never retrieve the other, deeper, feelings. The love, the tenderness, the compassion. This didn't stop Severus from indulging himself though. For just a few prolonged hours of pleasure with one so much like the man he truly longed for.

Several nights a week a light tapping would draw Severus to his door. He knew who it would be; only one person came this time of night.

As soon as the door was opened a lithe body would press itself against Severus and pale pink lips would seek out his own. The thin, sculpted face and heated blue eyes coupled with the ever shiny blonde hair would have Severus instinctively drawing Draco closer, carrying him to the bed, and kicking the door closed. Once there the maddeningly slow taste of seduction would begin.

Shirts would be removed, replaced by eager hands and hungry mouths, backs would arch, heads would be thrown back, pants would be undone, underwear tossed aside, tongues and lips, tasting, licking, biting, sucking, hands caressing, pressing, stroking, voices moaning, screaming, begging, all in a blurry haze of feeling and lust.

When it was over they would lay there panting, side by side. Severus would lose himself in the past and after a few moments of silence Draco would quietly dress and leave. It was the same each time, and each time Severus would stay a little longer in what had been; ignoring what was.

It was strange to him, Draco was a physical clone of Lucius, but he could never be Lucius. Severus could never love Draco, all his love had been stolen away by a man who had died long before. Lucius Malfoy was still alive, but the Lucius Severus wanted had disappeared.

When they had been in Hogwarts they had had the perfect romance. They had been devoted to one another and promised to stay that way forever. But slowly, ever so slowly, something had changed. A dark lord rose up, bringing with him a revolution. Lucius had jump at the chance to be a part of it, dragging Severus along. They had both joined, both pledged, both sworn their lives to the one called Voldemort. Both killed, both tortured, both wore the mark of the cursed, of the damned. But only one became diseased, only one gave in to the madness, only one was lost to the depths of destruction.

Severus had seen the signs, had sense on some level what had been coming, but nothing had prepared him for the day it would all end.

**Flashy**

Severus Snape tore off his blood stained robe and sat down on the sofa. He placed a warm cloth over the gash on his left arm and wiped away the red that stuck to his pale skin. He winced as the rag grazed over the ripped flesh and he bit his bottom lip to keep from letting some sort of undignified sound from escaping.

Just as he was moving on to his stomach wound Lucius Malfoy swept into the room, looking as pristine as ever.

"Oh, Severus, what are you doing?" He asked, glancing at the pile of bloodied robes on the floor. "Those will stain the carpet you know." Severus just ignored the last comment and continued cleaning away blood and dirt from his abdomen.

"I am removing any excess blood so that I may more accurately heal myself Lucius. Thanks for the concern. Could you hand me my wand? It's in one of my pockets." The blonde haired man effortlessly retrieved the wand and handed it to the shorter one.

"How did you get these?" Lucius ventured, sitting next to Severus after removing the stained clothing from the floor.

"A couple of Ministry idiots waving their wands around like they rule the world. Incompetent fools couldn't correctly levitate a helium balloon. The stupid woman cast a tree chopping spell. Imbecile." Lucius shook his head.

"And why did you not deflect it?"

"Because I was a bit busy trying to dodge the stunner her partner had thrown my way. I don't see why Crabbe wasn't there, he was supposed to be. Could have saved me a lot of trouble." Severus said before saying a charm to stop the bleeding and mend the flesh. Lucius rose to his feet.

"The Dark Lord needed Crabbe, Rosier, and I for something else of extreme importance. Do not blame your failure on anyone else Severus." At this the dark haired man paused.

"I am not blaming anyone for anything Lucius; I am merely saying that, had Crabbe been there, as originally planned, I would not have ruined a perfectly good set of robes." Lucius, far from being pacified, turned a glare onto his lover.

"And I am merely saying to get over it. It's your own fault you couldn't even deflect a simple wood cutting charm." Severus open and closed his mouth several times, unwilling to say something he'd regret. This was not the first time something like this had happened, but it was the first time Lucius had gotten so worked up over it. His eyes were positively fuming with something akin to hysteria.

"Look Lucius, it doesn't matter. What's done is done. Let's…Let's just go to bed." Severus turned toward the bedroom, but not before seeing Lucius' eyes return to their passive state.

"Alright, if you insist." They both made their way into the sparsely decorated bedroom of their temporary dwelling before changing into their night clothes. After, they both laid in the darkness, one staring at the ceiling, one staring at the wall.

Severus rolled over to face Lucius. His perfect face was still and peaceful, his hair fanned about the bed. It was a sight that took Severus' breath away. "Lucius…" he whispered as he leaned over said man. Lucius shifted his gaze from a point behind Severus' head to his dark eyes, clouded with lust. The blue eyes that met these passion-filled infernos were the same calm eyes Severus saw every day.

"Yes?" The dark haired man lowered his head until his lips were only inches from the full, pink ones beneath him.

"I love you." And with that he closed the distance between them, pushing his tongue into Lucius' mouth. His hands made their way along the older man's sides until one found long hair to bury itself in, and the other rested on a tantalizing hip bone, pulling it closer. Severus felt delicate hands searching the skin under his shirt and couldn't stop a moan as one discovered a highly sensitive nipple.

The next thing he knew he had been flipped and he was being pinned to the bed while forceful lips collided with his slightly swollen ones. He suppressed a groan of protest as those soft lips left his, only to find them replaced on his neck moments later.

"Oh….oh god…..Lucius. Pl-please…" His shirt was gone and skillful fingers were teasing his waistline. A warm, wet tongue licked at his heated flesh and a light brush against his erection caused his hips to jerk almost involuntarily. He vaguely registered that his pants were now gone and that his legs were being spread. Soon he felt the sensation only Lucius could give him, the one of being complete.

With every thrust Severus felt himself get closer to the edge. An adequate description for the sensations he was feeling would have been that he was seeing stars. His nails were clutching onto the firm muscle of Lucius' back and his breath was labored. "Luc-Lucius! Ah…fuck…..f-f-fuck!" And Severus lost his ability to do little more than moan in appreciation. All too soon however, the end came for him and he released all over their stomachs.

Lucius on the other hand, was not yet through. This gave Severus a few seconds to watch the blond man. He looked up at that picture perfect face and what he saw made his blood run cold and everything around him to stop. The look in Lucius' eyes was one that hurt Severus more that a hundred tree chopping charms ever could.

When he looked into Lucius' eyes, he saw nothing.

There was no passion, no desire, no love, no caring, no anything. It was like watching a machine, a doll, a puppet. It was like Lucius felt nothing for him anymore; he was just doing what he had to do.

After, when they lay still in the bed once more Severus said it again, dreading the reply. "Lucius, I love you." As a lamp turned on, Severus sat up next to Lucius.

"Severus, I know you still hold on to those feeling we had at Hogwarts," Severus' heart stopped. He sat frozen in place, not daring to move but wanting so desperately to run. "You must realize that things have changed. You and I, we aren't in love Severus. I don't know if we ever really were. Besides," he continues coldly, "we don't have time for love. Even if we did we would never work. I am devoted only to the Dark Lord, I must serve him, and…Narcissa's pregnant. We get married in the spring."

Severus stayed silent, letting the news sink in. Lucius didn't love him, didn't need him, not anymore. He was just a quick shag, a good lay. Lucius had a baby on the way. And he would be getting married. Mrs. Malfoy. Narcissa was sure to love that. "I see. Goodnight then."

With that Severus reached over Lucius and turned off the light. He refused to think about any of this now, refused to cry and show weakness to the man that had broken his heart. No, he would think about it tomorrow, after he got a new job.

**End Flashy**

It had been that night, that moment, when all of Severus' delusions about love had been destroyed. It had been the very next day that he had first contacted Dumbledore about a teaching post.

Deep down Severus knew that he still felt something for Lucius, something strong. No amount of rejection or devastation could kill it, no matter how much he claimed it was gone. It wasn't love, but that was the only word Severus could use to describe it. This was a feeling embedded deep inside, a nearly animalistic craving for wholeness. Only Lucius was able to give him what sated his needs, but that Lucius was abandoned on the eve of revolution, the eve of genocide. That Lucius was just one of the many casualties of the raging war.

Now, the new Lucius, the puppet Lucius, the once proud and beautiful man, was but a servant, a minion for a manipulating mad man. But in the end, that's all the new Lucius was, a manipulating mad man. Every time his mark called to him Severus was forced to go face the ghost of his past, the phantom of his forever.

Severus knew that the memory of what that man once was would haunt him until his dying day, and would bind him to that perfect body, making him treasure the vessel for what was once a glorious human being. If anything were to hurt what was rightly his, Severus would kill them, and by all explanations the old Lucius was his, and the new Lucius was in his body.

Severus knew he sounded idiotic at times, claiming the flesh of a man that was married and had a child, a child that Severus found some semblance of comfort in. He knew it was immoral to engage in such activities with Draco, but Draco was like the new Lucius, a way to try and replace what was lost. But this, like everything, failed to make Severus forget. He could not move on. The only thing he had ever loved abandoned him.

Lucius was drugged, poisoned by the venom of the Dark Mark. It slowly filtered through his veins, corroding his heart and draining his emotions, until all that was left was a finely sculpted piece of marble: beautiful, lifeless, and cold.

Severus came out of his recollection when he felt the familiar burn in his left arm.

He was being called.

He stood up and grabbed his cloak, heading for the fireplace. He stopped in front of it, looking at the only thing on the mantel, a picture. In it were two teenage boys. One 14 and one 15. One black haired and brown eyed the other blond haired and blue eyed. It was snowing and the older boy was jumping onto the younger ones back, playfully pinning him to the ground. They are dressed in ridiculously colored hats and large coats. Both of them are smiling, beaming really, and a single silver ring can be seen on the black haired teen's finger. The ring that started it all, the day it began.

Severus liked to look at that picture before he went to a meeting, beckoned by the man who doomed them to destruction, burned by the branding that tore them apart. It was what he called ironic. He still had the ring, he still had the mark. He saw the Lucius he had loved and he would soon see the Lucius that had locked away his heart in a fortress of broken crystal. It was at these times, looking at the picture and feeling the prickling of the mark, that it hurt the worst. It was all real and it was all final. Severus had lost and the Dark Lord had won. Lucius was truly gone forever.

"I love you, Lucius."

With one final look at the picture Severus stepped into the flames and allowed himself to be whisked away to stand next to that perfect puppet, not waiting for the reply he knew he would never hear again from that innocent boy of long ago.

I love you, too.


End file.
